Counting down from the worst to the best because I don't think it's ever been done before on the internet.

Share your pain with me.
Fucker, you are my pain!

As soon as he rode in on a horse during the already excruciating first few minutes of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, I knew we the fans were in for some serious bullshit.  Not only was the latest villain in the newest Star Trek movie already a laughing idiot of a Vulcan, but he was a fucking self-help guru as well.  In another time and place, this prissy little bastard would have been selling books to help you loose weight or he would be on Oprah teaching you how to get in touch with the little giggling faggot inside you.

Keep in mind that Star Trek V was right on the heels of what I consider the greatest Star Trek movie of all time, The Voyage Home, and, after the villain-free awesomeness that was that movie, to see this bearded pussy just waltz onto the Enterprise and talk to everyone until they were bored and compliant was like a slap in the face followed by a swift kick in the nuts.

Seriously, who thought that this guy would be an effective villain?  He's not even an effective character.  Come to think of it, I think the only reason I sat through the god-awful abomination that was Star Trek V was to just watch this prissy Nancy-boy die and when he did, even that was disappointing!  No charred corpse, no scream of agony, not even that satisfying gurgling sound.

A loser in death as much as he was in life, Sybok is the worst excuse for a character in Star Trek history.

Defining character moment: While watching the Star Trek reboot in 2009 and experiencing real horror in watching the destruction of Vulcan, a smile crosses my face as I realize suddenly that Sybok has most likely been sucked in, turned inside out, and raped by the sheer gravity of Nero's black hole.  Yep, that alone was worth losing an entire planet for.

Blub, blub, blub.

For years, Picard kept this fish in his ready room.  This fish didn't really do anything, he never went off on any adventures, never held the key to solving a ship-wide crisis, and uttered not one line of dialogue.  He wasn't even referred to by name in a single episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and only has one because of behind the scenes books and specials. 

Simply put, this fish was completely useless and yet, he was still a better character than fucking Sybok. 

Go figure.

Defining character moment: That episode where he swims quietly in the background.  You know which one I'm talking about.

What the...? Who let that black guy on the ship!?
He works here, sir.
For how long?
Always.
No kidding?
Yeah, he was here the first day.
What's his name?
Porthos I think.

Enterprise was a forgettable TV show at best and, to be the most forgettable character on the most forgettable Star Trek series is no small accomplishment.  Such a thing takes effort - hiding from the cameras and dodging scripts, mostly.

Wikipedia Entry: A "Space Boomer", Travis is unique on Enterprise being born in space. Son of a freighter captain, Travis knows many of the alien species and locations that Earth traders frequent. As Enterprise moves farther and farther from Earth, his value in this area lessens, but his skill at the helm is constantly appreciated, making him the pilot of choice for many missions.

Here's the thing though, Travis was never appreciated. For anything. The guy was little more than set decoration - the token black guy. Hell, for a while everyone just started calling him Travis as if they forgot what his last name was. Even I forgot what his last name was and had to look it up. For a Trek nerd, that's just fucking sad.

This poor guy never did anything. He just sat at the helm and pushed buttons. Mayweather was just a piece of set that ate off the catering table. You can call it an injustice against the character or just a bad character, I don't care - Travis could have burst into flames in the pilot's chair and no one would have noticed.  They just would have sprayed a little Fabreeze in the air and gone on with their lives.

Defining character moment: Travis' defining character moment didn't even happen to him; it happened to his mirror universe counterpart as he and Evil Hoshi Sato poisoned Captain Archer and took over the Earth Empire. The real Mayweather was probably playing solitaire or fondling himself to a photo of his mom when this happened.

Goddamnit, in Blade II I was killing assholes who look like me in this makeup!

Somewhere, I'm sure that there is a memorial to the most ineffective and incompetent sidekicks in the history of science fiction and there, standing in the doorway - or at least propping that doorway open - is a statue of the Viceroy from Star Trek: Nemesis.

My Gods, what was this asshole's role in the movie?  Stand there and look scary?  Fuck up Shinzon's entire plan by helping him mentally rape a member of Picard's crew making them believe that perhaps their Reman hosts were not such nice people?

What's worse, the Viceroy was the one person in Shinzon's crew who Shinzon actually seemed to look up to.  If the Viceroy had a brain in that rubber-coated head of his, he would have slapped the shit out of that whiney little clone and told him to fucking focus on the job at hand.  Shinzon could have raped Picard and wiped out everyone on Earth if he had someone around to remind him of what he was doing.  I blame you for that, Viceroy!

To top it all off, Viceroy was played by Ron Pearlman who was the closest thing to a big name star at that time since Star Trek coaxed Christopher Lloyd over to play a Klingon.  For fucks sake, this was fucking Hellboy!  What did they do with him?  They cover his face with makeup and digitally alter his voice making him completely unrecognizable.

What dumbasses!

Defining character moment: Continually grabbing Shinzon's chest.  I'm not sure if this was supposed to acknowledge if the two of them had some kind of homoerotic attraction to each other, but they did spend many years in prison together - that's all I'm saying.

What is that goddamned boy doing in my chair?
Sorry, captain, that's Crusher's son. It's bring your kid to work day.
Well, tell it to stop jumping in my seat!
I tried that, sir. There was no effect.
I see. Set phasers to stun.

Oh, Wesley. How I haaaate you. I hate you as Rigel shines bright. I hate you with the intensity of a dozen warp core breeches.  I hate you with the ferocity of coked up Klingon lust.

When talking about the direction that Star Trek took after his death, many people talked about how Gene Roddenberry wouldn't have approved of this or that and everything but never paused to take into account that it was Gene himself who thought that having a super-smart prepubescent puke on the show to save the ship every week was a good idea.

After approving this, do you honestly think he would have had a problem with the captain and helmsman turning into newts and fucking each other?

Jesus, I hated this little bastard. I wanted to see Worf pummel, rape, and then eat him. Tell me something, Wesley, if you're so fucking smart why did it take you five years to get into the academy?  How many years did it take you to graduate?  Oh, that's right... YOU FUCKING DIDN'T!

Defining character moment: A drunk Wesley takes over engineering and keeps everyone out with a repulser beam insuring the destruction of the Enterprise from a piece of oncoming stellar matter... only to save the ship three seconds later and suffer no consequences.  Picard could have at least whooped his ass with a paddle or something.

Shinzon, all you have to do is suck out Picard's blook and you'll be cured.
No, I'd rather kill him stlowly and then rule the galathy!
How can you do that if you're dead?
You're right.  Thisth ISTH a good time to rape Counsthelor Troi!

If you read my thoughts on the Viceroy above, you know that, essentially, Shinzon had a pretty good setup and definitely had all of his pieces in the right place to execute it and go on and become the President of Everything.  The trouble is, this guy had ADD and was an unfocused twit.  One minute, he wanted to use Picard to cure himself, the next he wanted to kill Picard and fuck the cure, and then he wanted to mentally rape Troi because he was too much of a pussy to do it for reals.  If he would have just kept his eyes on the prize, none of the Enterprise idiots would seen him coming!

So, if it wasn't enough that this rampaging thundercunt didn't screw up his own plans, when you really think about it, his plans made no sense!  How the fuck did he and a hundred Reman prisoners build that goddamn ship of theirs?  Why couldn't he just beam Picard over in the middle of the firefight, suck out his blood, and then leave the Enterprise behind?  Was he going to conquer all of creation with just one fucking ship?

Shinzon was just an incompetent whiney titty-baby at heart and his "I want it!  Give it!" attitude really ended up fucking him at the end.  That, and how am I supposed to be intimidated by a man who wears a leather dress and lisps?

Defining character moment: After being stabbed by Picard with a pipe, Shinzon fucking drags himself through the pipe to try and choke Picard with his bare hands.  Admittedly, this is pretty badass but of all times in the movie, THIS is when you decide to get your shit together and focus on goals?

Who the freak are you?
I'm Doctor Pulaski.
You can kiss my butt. We already have a doctor.
Who? Oh, she got fired.
Fired, huh? Well, at least she'll take that goddamned boy with her.
Naw, he's staying right where he is. Now, can you direct me to Data? I'd like to be mean to him.

Who's apeshit retarded idea was it to dump the phenomenally MILF-tastic Doctor Crusher from the show and replace her with her grandmother?

You know, we don't have to really guess at the reason.  We can figure it out.  Star Trek: The Next Generation's first season was a steaming piles of ostrich shit and the writers, in all of their finite wisdom, decided that the fans didn't need fresh and daring stories or good writing, no, what they wanted was a goddamned Doctor McCoy clone!  Surely, that will bring fans back to watch this dribble!

As it was, we didn't even get a McCoy clone because, to pull off a character that is so crotchety and yet so loved takes talent - something that was not in great abundance in the TNG writing pools in those days so, instead of a loveable character, what we got was an entire season of heavy-handed over-opinionated bullcrap from a bitch who needed to be in a retirement home, not a sickbay. You know that a character is shitty when the show doesn't even bother with an explanation of where she went or what happened to her when she mysteriously disappears.  Personally, I think she got the ol' falling down the empty turbolift shaft if you catch my meaning.

What's worse, when Crusher left the Enterprise... Wesley didn't! Why did the early writers of TNG hate us so?

Defining character moment: While right in front of him, Pulaski refered to Data in the third person and even called him "Dat-ah" thinking that his objections to a mispronounced name was silly leaving fans to wonder, "who the fuck does this bitch think she is?

If you don't stop being mean to me, I'm telling mommy!

Spock wasn't boring. Hell, even Tuvok wasn't boring.  Vorik... was boring.  He was an ass character played by an ass actor who just happened to be the son of one of the executive producers pounding home the fact that it's not what you know, it's who you know.

That's right, Vorik exists purely thanks to nepotism.  I would say that he was the first, but we all know that's not true, right Lwaxana, Nurse Chapel, and Number One?

Vorik was on Voyager off and on for several episodes and was never able to become interesting enough to graduate to second-tier status.  We really never knew what he didn in his spare time, who he did it with, or what made this character tick.  To be honest, though, he was so blandly written that it would be hard to even get excited to learn about those prospects.  For all we know or even cared, Vorik disappeared in a puff of smoke every time he wasn't wasting film.

What do we know? Borik was boring. He was stupid, he was stuck up, and the only episode he got interesting was when he got horny and tried to rape B'Ellanna.

Good times.

Defining character moment: Tries to rape B'Ellanna and gets his ass kicked. Later, he tries to beat her in ritualistic combat and gets his ass handed to him on a platter.

Stop making Michael Jackson jokes at my expense!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to rape an eight year old and overdose.  SI MON -- OW!

What a travesty of a character this asshole was.  What a horrible part it has to be that an Oscar winner - a goddamn Oscar winner - can't hide the shame and humiliation behind all of that awful latex.  all throughout Insurrection, you just want to swoop in and save this poor actor from this part, the only thing holding you back is the fear that you might have to take his place.

Taking into account the awful idea that these aliens were more addicted to plastic surgery than your average Orange County housewife, their plan made absolutely no sense.  They wanted to displace 600 people from the whole planet so they could have it for themselves?  The whole planet?  Why!?  Why couldn't they just land quietly on the other side of it and let the Baku planet rejuvenate them.  Sure, I know there was a subplot about it probably being too late for some of them, but that's the catch: the word "probably!"  It had no problem growing Geordi a new pair of fucking eyes, I don't think it would have had a problem fixing these retards.  One things for sure, it wouldn't have gotten much worse!

But, standing in the way of all of this common sense was Ru'afo Re'tardo who had a king-sized chip on his shoulder the size of Yolanda and wasn't going to let any amount of thinking persuade him from an essentially doomed from the start plan.

Then, of course, there's always that scream... that scream.  Jesus.

Defining character moment: That... SCREAM!

Whaaaaaaah!  I don't wanna be in space!  Whaaaaaaah!

Sato is another one of those characters you just have to wonder why the hell was she on the ship in the first place.  She talked to aliens and... that was about it.  She was a linguist, but most of the aliens spoke English already so that was useless.

Sato was also the inventor of the Universal Translator which makes about as much sense as a vynal company investing the CD. 

"What's this, Hoshi?  A device that lets us talk to anyone speaking any language?  That's amazing!  Outstanding!  You're fired!"

And man, was she a whiney little bitch or what?  Boo hoo, I'm scared of aliens. Boo hoo, I'm space sick. Boo hoo, I miss Earth. SHUT UP!!!  Not even Lwaxana Troi complained as much as this crybaby!  Lwaxana would probably look at her and say, "tone it down, cunt!"

If not for the Mirror Universe episode in which Sato became a sexy clawed vixen which haunted my fantasies for weeks on end, this underused character would have been at the bottom of the list.  Never let it be said that a hot body never gets you anywhere.

Defining character moment: In the episode "Vanished" Sato becomes invisible... no one notices..

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