"Hi, I'm from the future."
"I'm sick of you."
"Okay, bye then!"

Daniels was such a cock-knocking bastard.  A prick who could have solved everyone's problems with one word, but instead, and like a real asshole, he would give cryptic clues like he was the goddamn riddler.

The thing that make this thundercunt the most annoying is that we, the audience, already knew 90 percent of the information that Daniels was keping secret in that big stupid head of his so, when Archer would find a book in the future and say something like, "The Romulan Star Empire?  Durp!  What's that!?"  Daniels would have a coronary to stop Archer from learning shit that we already knew.  Fucking asshole.

Sure, he was from the future and that was cool and everything but when even Captain Archer looks a character square in the face and says, "I'm tired of you. Go away" and you actually go away and stay away... man, that's just being a pussy.

Defining character moment: When asked if he's from Earth in the future, Daniels says, "That depends on how you define Earth."

I define it as a planet, you condescending assbag.

"I have taken an oath of celibacy."
"No, Ilea, you're supposed to take one of those after you're married."

This devilish little minx.  Sure, she had no personality and her propensity to refer to every man she saw as a "unit" was somewhat off-putting (even if William Shatner is a walking unit), but she was hot.  She had a hot body, her face was pure sex, and a single smile from her was enough to make a man spontaneously ejaculate.

But this is the problem -- I had the hots for a bald woman and, when The Next Generation came along, I would get a boner every time Captain Picard walked onto the bridge and I couldn't figure out why!  This confused and frightened me for many years!  Damn you, Ilea!

I also get a hard on when I go to Ikea.

Defining character moment: Ilea reveals that she has taken an oath of celibacy.  Kirk, on the other hand, has taken an oath of non-celibacy.  They're like matter and anti-matter.  If you put them in the engine, the Enterprise could hit Warp 50.

"Captain, your new first officer will be an indian."
"Convenience store indian or casino indian?"
"Casino."
"Goddammit, I could have used a slushie."

If Harry Kim was the shitty wooden character that the writers never used, Chakotay was the shitty wooden character that the writers used too much.

A self-important Native American who was apparently one with nature or some such bullshit, Robert Beltran couldn't act his way out of a plastic bag which sucked because some of the Chakotay episodes were pretty good.

Beltran was also a jackass, constantly complaining that the writers didn't focus on Chakotay as much as they did Seven of Nine.

All right, Beltran, either grow some talent or some tits otherwise we're done here.

Chakotay... either grow some tits or some talent, thenyou can complain..

Defining character moment: When confronted by Sky Spirits, aliens who influenced his tribe centuries before, Chaktay changes into some more spiritual garb and flashes his ass to the camera... trekkies have been clawing their eyes out ever since.

"Well, honey, here we are. I've given up a prime position on the Federation flagship so that you and I and our daughter can live peacefully and be a family without worrying about Q or anomalies or..."
"You selfish sonofabitch! I hate you, Miles! I'm leaving you for a year and I'm taking our daughter."
"WTF?"

WHORE!!! You FUCKING dirty SKANK!

Keiko was all right while she was on the Enterprise even though she didn't do very much, but on Deep Space Nine she turned into hyper mega-bitch who constantly complained about living on the station and feeling like she didn't have a use anymore... Keiko, we were never sure what you did before you got to the station. What makes you think you deserve a use now?

What's worse is that Keiko treated O'Brien horribly during their stay at DS9. Making him feel guilty, leaving him for months at a time and taking their daughter with her. The whore wasn't even satisfied until she succeeded in guilting him to return to Earth and leave DS9 forever.

Keiko is, perhaps, the coldest and most manipulative bitch in Star Trek history and deserves a photon torpedo up her cunt.

Defining character moment: While on the Enterprise, a transporter accident turned her into a 12 year-old girl and then she became enraged that O'Brien didn't want to have sex with her. Keiko, if you turn into a twelve year-old girl and your husband wants to have sex with you... WORRY!!!

"I'm going to quit the show because I never have anything to do"

*Five years later*

"God, I wish I never quit Star Trek. Now I don't have anything to do!

I can kind of sort of understand Denise Crosby's reasons for jumping ship, but come on... how bad was it really? Sure, she had no personality and the episodes were horrible - and I'm talking the worst Trek has ever been horrible, but come on... she was fucking a machine. Can you imagine? A machine! A machine that never gets tired! How BAD was it on the Enterprise? Couldn't have been that bad.

Defining character moment: Fucked a machine.

"Look, daddy! I'm a reporter!"
"That's great, son. What paper do you work for?"
"Er... I don't work for a paper."
"Oh, so you're freelance. What have you published so far?"
"Er... Look. I made the word "Boobies!"".

I actually feel sorry for this kid. For a while, things were going great for him. He was a fish out of water. No one his own age to hang out with except for a Feringi who smelled like sour milk and not to mention that he was the station commander's son and, therefore, couldn't get away with a whole lot of shit. They even had the balls to make Jake not want to join Starfleet. This kid... didn't want to have anything to do with the howdy doody utopian society that was being provided for him. "Fuck that," he said, "I want drugs and hookers!"

And then... poof! All direction for this kid disappeared. He became a reporter, but didn't work for a newspaper. He was supposed to be a great author but didn't get a single book published. Hell, the one time he showed some moxie and stayed behind during an invasion to report on the Dominion's occupation of the station, he got discouraged and quit to fight the bad guys.

What a slacker.

Defining character moment: Jake Sisko made Star Trek history in the episode "Explorers" as the first Star Trek character to ever refer to a bathroom on a spaceship.  (I never said it was a good character moment).

"This man has the Andorian flu."
"Well, doctor, if you would like my opinion..."
"Honey, just sit there and look pretty."
"But I'm a trained medical aid!"
"Is McCoy gonna havtah choke a bitch?

Chapel was another primarily useless secondary character who rarely contributed anything to the plot - the only time I can think of an exception is when she got an entire away team captured by androids looking for her dead fiancé.

She wasn't even that well liked. McCoy couldn't stand her opening her mouth because nothing constructive ever came out of it and he wasn't allowed to shove his penis in there.

Chapel also had the hots for Spock and wanted to go all pon farr on his ass.  Spock, however, being the logical mind he was, knew it was a bad idea to fish from the company pool -- especially if that woman is married to the show's creator.

Chapel showed up in the movies a few times, but by then the majority of the viewers didn't know who she was.

Defining character moment: Chapel loves Spock! Chapel loves Spock! During the episode with the virus that makes everyone loose their inhibitions, Chapel pushes Spock over the edge by practically opening her legs and inviting him inside to mind meld with her clitoris.

"Hello, I'm the hottest person on the show and, to celebrate, I'm going to fuck that midget over there with the big ears who smells like mothballs."

What a beautiful piece of the set this woman was.  Yeah, Leeta was gorgeous and her two talents were massive, but let's be fair here: this was not the hardest role on the show.  Her part consisted primarily of standing in one spot and heaving her chest.  Occasionally, she would be required to kiss someone like Bashir or Rom and not throw up, so I'm sure that she had some actual talent buried under those bazooms somewhere.

As a character, Leeta was constantly short-changed, often becoming little more than the slut who agrees with everything the man near her says.  Sure, she would stand up for herself every now and then, but usually at the behest of a man.

Just goes to show that Quark likes 'em dumb and malleable.

Defining character moment: I can't remember one, but I'm sure it involves her tits.

"Wow, Seven of Nine is such a popular character who is getting horny Trek fans to tune in to our show in droves! We should make another Borg character who appeals to the sexual needs of the rest of the Trek nerds."
"How about a 12 year old boy?"
"You read my mind!"

Icheb was all right.  As a Trek nerd growing up in Texas where The Dukes of Hazzard and Monday Night Football reigns, a part deep within me sympathized with the little guy and his gangly awkwardness and social retardation.

There was something a little too Seven of Ninish about the boy as if someone ctrl+c and crtl+v'd her personality onto his which was weird and off-putting because all the writers were really doing were taking Seven's personality and removing the titties.  It's like enjoying a sundae without the ice cream.

Defining character moment: When Torres screams at Icheb and then passes out, the little lad runs a tricorder over her and proclaims that she is suffering from a parasitic infection... Borg for, "She's pregnant."  Obviously, they are the superior species for recognizing children as parasites.

Allow me to entertain you with a highly detailed story about how I copulated with a complete stranger who was easily 43.5 percent of my chronological age.

Listen, you clit, you don't fuck with Spock's emotions.  You just don't!  Goddammit, all he wanted was to do the nasty Vulcan love hump with you and what do you do?  You betray and try to destroy the Federation.  Goddamnit, that is not how it's done!  If Spock walks in the room and tells you to get on your hands and knees, bitch better do what Spock wants!

Valeris was such a superfluous character that she might has well have hung a flashing neon sign around her neck that said, "I did it!" during the whole movie.  That mole on her chin really distracts me too like she ate lunch in a hurry and should wipe it off with a napkin, but everyone on the bridge hates her so they just let it stay there.

To make matter's worse, Valeris is played by the same woman who play's Carrie's grandmother on Sex and the City.  Bleech!

Defining character moment: Everyone thinks that Spock was ripping into Valeris' mind when he melded with her in Star Trek VI.  The truth is, he was just projecting an image of his dick into her mind and she was moaning in ecstasy.

TUNE IN SOON FOR #70-61!