Jesus Christ!  Looks like a torpedo hit him in the face!

I know, I know.  We're quickly running out of Star Trek: Enterprise characters.  Not to worry, though, there are a few of them that I do like.  Mr. Reed, however, is not one of them.

In the creation of this character, the writers made the fatal mistake of forgetting to give him a personality.  Therefore, he was nothing more than a piece of the set that could talk -- something like a See and Say or a Baby Wets Herself who squinted and occasionally said something in a smartass English accent.  I honestly think that T'Pol's tits had better development than this guy did.

Shall I even mention his smugness?  Where did this asshole get off being so full of himself?  You could ask him something as simple as what time it was and he would smirk and say, "Well, if I were to check my watch I would see that is is noon."

Fuck you, Reed.

Defining character moment: During an early episode, Malcolm helps develop a battle alert mode for Enterprise. When Tucker doesn't like the sound of "battle alert," Malcolm suggests.... Reed Alert.

Fuck you, Reed.

The alien made of Dippin' Dots!

The only reason this dude is so high on the list is for the potential that he showed when Enterprise introduced the Temporal Cold War storyline.  How amazingly foreword thinking it was!  How exciting it could have been?  Where the fuck did it go?

Yep, turns out that the writers were fucking making it up as they went along and, once they got bored with it, the Cold War and Silik were dropped like a bad habit.  Son of a bitch!

It's all right, though, because as it turned out, Silik was a pussy. I know that we weren't quite sure if he was a complete villain or not, but by the time his last appearance came around and he was shot by Nazis (and, no, I'm not making that up) I just didn't care anymore. This character was shaken off like a bad case of fleas and I say good riddance.

Defining character moment: In a brief shining example of Silik's wasted potential, he sneaks onto the Enterprise for some devious purpose and then fucking saves it from blowing up when it was hit by some kind of plasma lightning.  The collective jaws of Trekkies everywhere hits the floor at the same time.  What the FUCK!?  Holy SHIT!

I scowl at my Fruit Loops.

The concept that the Enterprise was a family ship was something that I adored and hated at the same time and Alexander was one of those reasons I hated it.

I know that he was just a kid and I know he was part human, but there's not supposed to be whiney bratty Klingons! They're supposed to be warriors, they're supposed to take their enemies, shove a Bat'leth up their asses, and pull their entrails out with their teeth!  What's Alexander doing when he should be bathing in the blood of all who mock him?  The little shit was playing with action figures and complaining endlessly about not wanting to do all that "Klingon stuff."

Worf... does he do anything about it? Nope, he's just a big dumb stupid enabler who watched in shame as his son gets softer and softer until he can't stand it anymore and ships the little brat back to Earth.

Now, if Alexander wanted to genuinely do something with his life and not be a warrior, it could have been an amazing character development.  Imagine a Klingon counselor or a Klingon doctor.  Alex could have been badass in whatever field he chose in life and so, years later and miraculously grown up, what does Alexander decide to do with his life? 

A whiney, bitchy, queer Klingon warrior.

Fuck me.

Defining character moment: He created Deadwood in the holodeck and, you have to admit, that was an episode of pure awesomeness.

I've got an idea! Let's make a Star Trek cartoon!
Brilliant!
We can introduce new characters!
Brilliant!
New aliens we never had the budget for!
Brilliant!
We can replace Chekov with one of them!
Brill- Wait, what?
And have him voiced like a nasal robot!
...
And he will have three arms.
Sir?
...and three legs.
God, I hate you.

Calling the animated series a quality product wouldn't be fair or that accurate, but if anything in this series' genesis pissed me off more, it was replacing Chekov with an emotionless Gecko.

Seriously, what the fuck was this thing?  If we had been given any kind of development into this character, it might have been interesting, but Arex was so neglected on the show that you honestly have to wonder why they put him on it at all.  Honestly, couldn't you just leave Chekov on there and ignore him as usual?  Oy!

I'm sure that you're expecting me to make a comment about his voice as well.  Jesus T. Christ, he sounded like a robot with a nasal infection!  Can you imagine the short meeting that must have transpired to come up with that voice?

"We need a voice for this character, so why don't you just hold you nose and speak normally?"

Fuck.

Defining character moment: Sadly, the character has no defining moment on television, but in the written world, he is thrown 100 years into the future and ends up in the Next Generation era and becomes a soft-spoken badass in the vein of Clint Eastwood.

Yoeman! Where's my coffee?
I'm afriad Yoeman Rand is gone sir.
Gone, where did she go?
Do not pretend to care, sir.
You're right Spock. Sulu! Get my coffee!

In Star Trek, we're often told stories of Trek's glorious firsts - the first female African American officer on television, the first interracial kiss - and in a world of such progression, it's no wonder that Rand didn't last long. This lady was little more than a damsel in distress who got into all kinds of shit week after week that the guys had to rescue her from.

And, yes, I know the sad blah, blah story that happened to the actress with the drugs and stuff, but it still makes Rand a bad character. Fact: Her last scene on the show was walking onto the bridge, handing Kirk something, and then leaving with no dialogue. That's just sad.

Even the return of her character in Voyager's "Flashback" was something you just wanted to shoot in the head to end its misery.

Defining character moment: Rand popped up frequently in the movies as if to say, "Hey, look! I'm still alive!" making her a Star Trek roach.

I'm taking over the center seat, Will.
What?  No!  I'm telling my mommy on you!  Waaaaaaah!

If ever there was an annoying crybaby mamma's boy who needed to swallow his goddamn pride and man up, it was Decker.  The second that Kirk steps on the Enterprise and tells him he's assuming command, Decker practically throws a trantrum and cries like a bitch.

Let's get one thing straight here, Skippy, James T. Kirk just walked onto the ship and said he's taking command.  This is like Jesus Christ himself descending from heaven and telling you, "We're going somewhere and I'm driving."  You don't tell Jesus Christ, "No, it's my car!  MINE! MINE! MINE!"

Defining character moment: After throwing a shit-fit when Kirk takes command away from him, he's moved to Science Officer which makes it doubly hilarious when Spock shows up and takes THAT position away from him as well.

Excuse me, captain, but can I have a promotion?
Shut up and get me a soda, bitch!

Star Trek is full of characters that just got the shaft.  There's no two ways about it, Kim got the shaft too and, if Garret Wang was anything approaching a good actor, I would feel sorry for him but Kim getting more screen time would only mean that Wang would get to "act" some more and that's something that would do nobody any good.

So, what was Kim good for other than a floatation devise in case of a water landing?  He played the clarinet which is odd because, where I come from, men don't play clarinet.  They play saxophone, trumpet, of trombone - never the clarinet!  You might as well hand a Gay Pride flag from that flaming piece of shit as you ride on a float down the streets of San Francisco!

Kim was just weird too.  I mean, he actually told Paris that he remembered being in the womb.  Dude, really... really?  That's just fucked up and I don't care who you are.

Defining character moment: After years of being relatively jobless, Garrett Wang shows up in a fan-produced movie "Of Gods and Men" and the entire Star Trek fanbase reacts with a collective, what the fuck!?

You cannot beat me! I'm from the future and know everything about what you're going to do and will never be defeated unless I get distracted and forget to... Oo, something shiny!

When Enterprise first hit the airwaves, there was one thing that the trekkies were debating... who is Future Guy? Future Guy... this mysterious man in a time bubble that would order his Suliban minions around and change history to suit some future whim.

Was is Archer in the future? Was is a Romulan? Was it Mirror Kirk? Was it Spock? Khan? Picard? Sisko? The Terran Emperor? The speculation went rampant and each appearance of this mysterious figure threw more gas onto the flame.

And then... poof. He was gone. No explanation, no reveal, no nothing. Archer says that he's sick of the Temporal Cold War and Future Guy apparently gets a new hobby.

Goddamnit. Berman and Bragga... making it up as they fucking go along.

Defining character moment: When Silik fucked up one too many times, Future Guy punishes him by removing some of his senses. That's hardcore.

"All right, so we're making an animated series, right?"
"Right."
"And we got rid of that Russian guy."
"Unfortunately."
"Now, let's talk about that black chick."
"What about her?"
"I want to get rid of her too."
"What? Why?"
"Because this is the early 70's and it's unnatural to have a black woman in a command position. That's why I want to replace her with a five foot tall cat."

As if hanging around with trekkies isn't bad enough with their endless nitpicking of episodes, shitty disposition to anything new, and complete lack of hygiene, the writers and creators of The Animated Series sought to open up Trek to a new breed of fan... the furry lovers!

Ah, M'Ress... the kitty temptress.  A disturbingly sexual cartoon character on the Enterprise that really contributed nothing to the show other than some equally disturbing fan art when you do a Google search for pictures of her.

God... DAMN this was a horrible character. M'Ress never had anything to do except the stuff that Uhura was supposed to do which begs the question, why isn't Uhura doing her fucking job? 

M'Ress' voice was annoying as well as though Majel Barret was imitating a fucking cat with elongated "rrrrrrrr" sounds.

Defining character moment: Like Arex, M'Ress was brought back from the brink of obscurity by Peter David in his New Frontier books in which M'Ress is thrown into the TNG era and becomes a nasty dirty slut who (and I'm not making this up) fucks an ape.  Furry lovers splooge themselves.

Helloooooooooooo, nurse!

Ugh. WHY was this character ever created? Her whole job was to hand Crusher medical stuff and say, "Yes, doctor!"

Sure, they tried character development with her when she got married and knocked up but they were mostly in the "Oh shit, we're out of special effects budget! Quick, let's write a filler scene" scenes. Usually, you were watching them thinking, "Gee, I wish I could see some special effects."

It was almost like TNG was trying a little too hard to be more diversified and went out of their way to include another nationality without providing any personality to go along with it, but you can tell that they just didn't care about Ogawa: Did we ever meet her husband?  Did we ever see her kid born? (Don't tell me that she lost the baby, that timeline was erased, dammit!)  No, we didn't. 

Defining character moment: The time that Ogawa saves the entire ship... by turning into a monkey.  Not making it up, folks!

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